Clayton arrived 2 weeks early and was 9lbs and 2oz. A good healthy boy. A good healthy boy who sucked every ounce of energy out of me during my pregnancy. I went through the pregnancy with ultrasounds every month to watch his size and my health. Questions always arose about gestational diabetes but I passed all the test. It got to a point though that the only thing I wanted to do was go to sleep. I felt more lethargic than I had ever experienced and I knew it wasn't normal. So being the hypochondriac that I am, I started testing my own blood sugar and sent it to the doctor. What do you know? Diabetic. I tried to manage with diet but no matter what I did my sugar, not crazy, but not where it needed to be. Then insulin. OMG. Why didn't I test myself earlier. I felt like a new woman. I had energy, well as much energy as a pregnant woman can have. Still with insulin, my sugar didn't want to follow directions, so 2 weeks early Mr. Clayton was delivered by CSection.
Feedings were stressful. I told the Dr. that Clayton was having problems during feedings and was gasping for air and crying non stop. No child could possibly be this hungry - or unhappy. It was nerve racking. How do you bond with a child who tenses up and turns into a board throughout the day? Poor Harry. He'd come home around 7, which was the worst part of the day. Each visit to the dr. we'd try new things....Colic? No dairy for me? Try formula? different formula? High dollar beyond high dollar formula? Nothing seemed to make a difference to those periods he just wanted to cry. So I guess I had to live with it and find a way to make it through this crying period. Than one day, I was working on the computer and I kept hearing Clayton swallowing hard - 5 feet away from me at 6 or so weeks. When I looked over, he was drenched, he had saliva all down his face, his shirt was soaked and he just kept swallowing one right after the other. WTH? The Dr ordered an Upper GI and a swallow test. Reflux. Down the liquid went in the test, and \back up it came to his nose. Very defined on the monitor. After a few med options and him turning blue on me twice we knew that even though Children's released him to have normal liquids the dr. and I both looked at each other and said no way! He slept in a bouncy seat for 5 months, light on, feeling like one eye open at all times. Nothing can wake your dead tired body up like the sound of your child choking as they can't breathe. It was terrifying. What if i didn't get to him soon enough? What if I didn't hear him? What if he didn't make a sound? What if what if what if. Hence the crazy. Literally I thought I was losing it. I couldn't stop worrying about him.
Dr visit after Dr visit for this or for that gained him the nickname "Clay Clay Copay" because every time we turned around we were giving someone one.Primary Care Drs, GI Drs for the reflux, Pulmonary Drs for Reactive airway (compliments of Reflux), Eye drs for a clogged tear duct that constantly was inflamed, Intervention teachers because he didn't make a sound most of the time (except crying) and had no interest in toys. Clayton and me from place to place to place to place...... off to each appointment we went. I quickly learned then the best thing to do when you are seeing specialist is to get copied on all the letters they send your primary care. It often tells you the things you thought you heard but weren't sure how to spell, or didn't hear because you were still digesting, adjusting the baby etc.. It also gave me the appropriate information to give the next round of drs when they asked for history. I could hand a copy of the letter or talk somewhat fluently about the history.
Things finally calmed down around 3 1/2 years old...but the connection to Clayton and I was already there. It started to show itself in the form of separation anxiety from then until current day and he's 6. He needs to know when I will be back. He looks at me with these big beautiful eyes as if he is kissing me goodbye forever He reaches that hand out to me like he is trying to reach me and I am drifting away. Should you ever say that the level of love your child has for you is at an unhealthy state? He shouldn't think I am leaving and never returning. He should be okay away from me if I say I am running to the store. We learned ways that would help and I'd give him time in ways that were relevant to him but it took a good year of consistency to get him to just ask the question of how long I'd be and then being okay with it. In fact, I remember getting so upset with him and asking "Why do you keep asking me that??? I said I'll be right back!" and he looked up with tear filled eyes and told me "because I love you and will miss you". Mother of the year award stripped quickly away at that point. Talk about feeling like you suck! Taught me to be a little more sensitive and be firm, loving and make baby steps forward. I also remind him that when he is playing football professionally and crying for his mom on the field he may be teased :)
My gentle giant just turned 6. He didn't start chatting until well past two and probably more towards 3. Never knew the sound of Momma could sound so beautiful or mean so much. Now, as promised by so many, he doesn't stop talking. He has the memory of Wikipedia. You can ask him anything and if he has had contact with it or seen it chances are he can tell you all about it...non stop. Anything electronic he can figure out with in seconds. He has more strength than he realizes (just ask my cracked 52 inch plasma),
he's sensitive, thoughtful, loving. he's passionate, inquisitive and has the memory like nothing I have ever seen. I can't wait to see what the future holds for him.
I guess when I thought I wasn't bonding with my child I was bonding in a way much deeper than I could have imagined.
